Thursday, June 22, 2006

The only dreams I'm having are day dreams.

The last two nights have been fairly sleepless for me again. And this time, Nick is even home.

The night before last, I listened to the neighbors hooting and hollering until well after midnight. Cars coming and going. Me wide awake not comfortable or happy. Nick soundly sleeping unaware of anything. Seriously.

Last night, we both went to sleep feeling like we were hearing noises in our house that didn't make sense. Great way for me to fall asleep peacefully. And this was after listening to the neighbors wrestling and whatnot while some visitor banged and screamed at the front door trying to get their attention. This was 11:30pm.

Early early morning, the summer storms began. (Even as I write this, there is a news story on right now discussing how bad these storms were.) Now, I like a good summer storm. As a kid, I remember laying wide awake in the bay cottage while the walls literally shook with the thunder. I didn't like that, but somehow still graduated into appreciating a thunderstorm. That is unless its super windy--implying that it is more than a thunderstorm--and that the tree in our back could crash through our house, or worse through a neighbor's house. OR if the thunder and lightening are simultaneous (meaning DIRECTLY ABOVE ME) for hours on end. Which is exactly what happened last night.

Not only was our room fully illuminated every few minutes, but the thunder boomed and the house rattled and then there were other noises in the house that took us back to the original fears of the night. What was that? Is there someone in our house? Yes, paranoia. And to be fair, my anxiety probably makes Nick second guess more than he would on his own.

Now that I have had several fear-filled sleepless nights this month, I can start to see a pattern in how I (or rather my body) reacts. My stomach turns into a tight tight ball of anxiety and I lay there motionless feeling sick. That's what my body does. My mind helps the situation by imagining all of the horrible things that could happen. How can this possibly be healthy for me?

Somewhere around 5am I am able to fall asleep. Ah, the safety of day break. I don't even know if that's when it happens, but it is at least close enough that my mind convinces my body that it is now safe to relax and go to sleep.

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